When The Cock Crows

18 Jan

IMG_2736[1]

“Higher Momma! Higher!”

I gave my son a giant push and watched him swing high into the air and heard him giggle with delight as he enjoyed his new swing set and the unusually warmer weather. As I soaked up as much of the sun’s rays as I possibly could myself and breathed in some fresh air, I heard our neighbor’s rooster let out a loud crow. It was then that a new thought and question crossed my mind.

“Jesus, what do you think when you hear the cock crow? …

“Jesus, it was the day of your death, when you were in need of help and support yourself, that Peter, the one whom you loved, betrayed you. Not only once, but three times. Three times before that rooster crowed. And you heard it. Peter didn’t come to help you, he didn’t stand up for you, he didn’t return your love for him. No. Instead you heard that crow and felt the crushing, sinking pain in your heart and soul, knowing what Peter had done. So Jesus, what do you think now? Every time you hear a rooster’s voice? Do you hear the beautiful song of your creation? Or do you feel a slight twinge in your heart as that sound takes you back to the dreadful day long ago when you were betrayed?

“Because Jesus, I have my roosters too. They’re everywhere! Every day reminders of the emptiness inside of me created by betrayal and everything that was taken away from me.

“And the cock crows.

“The physical problems I’ve had to deal with this last year that started with the betrayal. I hate my body right now. It’s been thru so much. I don’t feel or look the same. And I’ve gained almost 20 pounds in less than three months from different medications I’ve been put on. Plus, I just don’t like how I feel on the inside.

“And there’s that rooster again.

“Then every time I turn around there’s her name or a girl that looks like her. On TV, in movies, at the grocery store, even at work. And places. Everything and everyone seems to be from the state where she is from. Everything has to do with that state.

“I hear the cock crow.

“And worst of all Jesus, the constant reminder of my broken womanhood. She got pregnant so easy. Now Jesus, I’m not trying to take away from the miracle of my son. But that’s just it, he’s a true miracle. I was told for years that my chances of having children was slim, and I have dealt with female issues for almost eighteen years. My husband and I have been married for six and a half years and we have one child, that we planned and worked for. But here’s this girl who, just oops, can pop out a kid with my husband just like that. Same thing with his ex-wife. There’s two other girls, not planned and popped out, ‘on birth control’ with my husband. Then here I am, stuck listening to my own freaking choir of ‘Cock – a – doodle – doos!’

“And Jesus, I’m still bound and haunted by the crow of fear that I have to be a good and perfect wife from now on or he’ll do it again. If I’m not perfect and he’s not happy, he’ll go searching for someone else or it’ll be easy for him to start falling away again.

“There’s the rooster behind me.

“Jesus, when I hear my roosters crow, I’m flooded with memories, suspicions, fears, disgust. My heart starts hurting all over again. Maybe not as bad as in the beginning, but it still hurts. And I feel such a deep, unending, unexplainable emptiness that may never be filled. I want to vomit, yell streams of filth under my breath, flip off anything that reminds me of her, give dirty looks, and then let my eyes fill to overflowing with hot, salty tears.

“So Jesus, what do you do? What do you think or feel when you hear the cock crow? Do you remember that day, your day? Is your heart saddened at all?”

As I continued to push my son on the swing, I remained quiet. The neighbor’s rooster had finished his morning warm-ups. Thru the sound of rattling chains and creaking wood as my son swung back and forth, I barely heard a still, small whisper, “I remember.”

A smile broke across my face.

He remembers the pain. He remembers what it felt like to have a broken heart. He remembers what it felt like to be betrayed. And to be betrayed in his time of greatest need. He remembers.

That made me feel so close to my friend Jesus. He’s been there too. And He got thru it. He got thru it like a boss! The boss! And He’s with me everyday, helping me get thru it too. One day I know that when I hear my roosters crow I’ll be able to say that I hear the beautiful song of one of God’s creations …

One day.

IMG_2737[1]

2 Responses to “When The Cock Crows”

  1. Tina January 20, 2014 at 3:11 pm #

    The tears are rolling down my face, yet again! You ALWAYS remind me of God’s love; of the love of our brother, Jesus! There is no love like it – no greater love! We should all take note and remind ourselves — let the rooster crow!

    • judahlily January 21, 2014 at 2:02 am #

      Thank you. It was just a great reminder to me that no matter where we are in life, He’s been there too. We don’t have to be afraid to go to Him because He understands, and He’s always there with us with grace and strength to make it thru.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 45 other followers

%d bloggers like this: